Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
