don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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