my sisters under your porch take her home
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
