At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
