i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
