Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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