I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
