Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
