My underwear smells like fireworks.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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