I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
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I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
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we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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