pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
