Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
