3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
A bitchslap is in order.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
