I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
