Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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