Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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