Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
