I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
