I met the friendliest cop last night
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
