so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
my being single is dangerous.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
