I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
