Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
