I'm really into asian looking animals
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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