Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
