I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
