She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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