You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
