The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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