Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
