alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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