i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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