quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.