the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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