I puked a lego.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
