We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
