just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
My liver just had a heart attack.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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