Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
