Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Another day, another engagement, another cat
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
