im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
