sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
