Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
