Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
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