I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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