Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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