all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
