Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
