You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
