I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
