I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
