Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
