Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
