I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window