do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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