genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
