Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
