Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
